It

...Your Guide & Resource To Caesareans

It's More Than A Scar

After three days of unmedicated labor with no signs of progression, I didn't think twice about agreeing to a C-section. I was tired, hungry and in immense pain. I, like many others, viewed a C-section as a simple way of delivering a baby. I had no idea that with a C-section comes not only a painful recovery, but a roller coaster of intense and overwhelming emotions.

I had my first taste of things to come when I tried to get out of the hospital bed by myself. I was hit with intense pain and let out a scream. I couldn’t imagine how on earth was I going to manage a newborn if I couldn't even get out of bed. I learned though, that if I took a dose of pain medications about fifteen minutes before trying to walk, I faired better than trying to do it without medication.

Having to depend on pain medications set off a series of events. The pain medications made me drowsy and grumpy. I couldn't hold down a conversation for more than five minutes withoutdozing off in the middle of it. Trying to take care of my newborn was a challenge all its own. With a bruised ego, I often had to hand my precious daughter to my husband or mother to take care of. I felt as though I was letting her down. My daughter needed me, and I was unable to care for her.

The pain medications also made it nearly impossible for me to breast-feed. My daughter couldn't latch on and would scream. In turn, I would start crying, and that only made matters worse. Eventually I threw in the towel and opted for feeding her formula. It broke my heart that again, I was unable to care for my daughter like I wanted to.

Each event would stack on top of the other until I would finally break down in tears. I blamed everything, from not being able to breast-feed, to being unable to hold my daughter, on the C-section. I regretted having the C-section. I felt that if I had just waited a bit longer, and been a bit stronger, I could have delivered my daughter naturally and could have been the mother that she needed. In my mind I was weak and a horrible mother.

Instead of experiencing the miraculous event of giving birth, I had the experience of lying on a cold operating table. I didn't get to watch my daughter's head crown. When they removed her from my body, I did not see her. I missed her grand entrance into the world and into our lives.

Every day I wonder what it would have been like to have delivered my daughter in the way that I was meant to. What would it have been like to push her into the world? What would it have been like to watch my husband cut the umbilical cord? Giving birth is like a daydream for me, something that I may never get to experience.

When I look at my scar I battle mixed emotions. I now know that I did what was best for my daughter. Had I continued to labor for much longer, I may have endangered her life or mine. The scar will remain with me for the rest of my life, just as the memory of that day will. You see, it's more than a scar, it's a reminder that no matter what, as a woman, and as a mother, I will take any means necessary to love and protect those closest to my heart.

Silent Knife:
Cesarean Prevention & VBAC

Trust Your Body Trust Your Baby